My Mom

On June 29 my brothers and sisters moved Mom from Pioneer Village to the Legacy House because she needed more attention and care.  She had fallen a couple of months earlier and had just not recovered well.  I was able to visit her a couple of times at Legacy and sometimes she knew me and other times not.  She didn't have much to say either way but it was still nice to be with her.

On Sunday, July 29 I got a call from Kevin saying that Kelly had called him and that Mom wasn't doing well.  The Legacy staff thought her family should know.  I called Kelly and made arrangements to go down to Logan that afternoon and stay the night with Mom.  I thought he could probably use a good night sleep and I had the next morning free so it would work out for both of us. 

On my way down I called the pharmacy and took Monday night off as well, so I was open till Tuesday.  When I got there Kelly and Penny were both with Mom and we had a nice visit.  Later that night Kelly went home and returned with an air mattress for me to sleep on and Penny got me a pillow and a blanket so I was all set for the night.

The nurse had given Mom some medication to make her more comfortable and told me just to listen and if her breathing became rough to give her a call. So, I was just there listening when around midnight she stopped breathing.  I jumped from my bed to her's.  (Her mattresses were on the floor so that she wouldn't fall out of bed and get hurt.)

I took her hand and talked to her.  I patted her face and said, "Mom, breathe.  Come on, you've gotta breathe."  Over and over I begged her to start breathing again.  After a couple of minutes which really seemed like hours I heard her take a breath.  I put cold water on the cloth we had on her forehead again and rubbed her hands and arms.  I put my hand on her chest and layed there on the floor beside her just listening to and feeling her breathe.  After a while I got back on the air mattress and listened from there.

It was just a couple of minutes after 1:00 when she stopped breathing again.  So I hurried to her side and began begging her to breath.  "Please, Mom, please breathe."  I lightly pumped her chest and patted her face.  I wiped her face with the cool clothe and begged, "Please breath, please Mom."  I looked at the clock and it was 1:06.  I heard a slight gasp and thought she would start breathing again but not so.  She never took another breath.  I hadn't been able to keep her alive.  I hadn't got her to breathe again.  I wanted so badly for her to stay with us, at least till the other children could come and be with her, too.  But, instead her hand that I was holding was cold and her face turned gray.  I couldn't get her warm again.  I waited and waited just hoping she would start breathing but she didn't so finally I decided I'd better let someone know.

I went to the lounge and the night nurse was there.  I was crying and she knew exactly why I had come.  She was so sweet as she walked back to Mom's room with me.  I called Kelly and Penny, and I don't remember who called whom but then the three of us called the other children to let them know that Mom had passed on.

The night continued as we dressed Mom in a night gown and they took her away.  I don't remember much more but we managed through it.

What I do remember is how kind Kelly was to me and how I just couldn't find any comfort in Mom's passing.  In my head I could tell myself all the good things about it; "she was with Dad" and "she wasn't hurting anymore", and "she was happy" and on and on, but in my heart I felt I had failed.  I was just there to be with her so Kelly could get some sleep. I wasn't supposed to be there alone when she went.  I was supposed to keep her alive till the others could come and I didn't do it.

Honestly, I felt no comfort, no spiritual strength when she went.  I didn't "see" Dad there to get her.  I didn't even "feel" anything.  I can't say "Her mom came to get her."  There was nothing!!  She just stopped breathing and turned cold and gray.  It was just a terrible feeling to not be able to keep her alive.

We went through all the necessary steps to get her funeral set up and it was all a blurr.  Peggy and David came to Logan that day and sat with Penny, Kelly and I while we made the arrangements but I could never feel ok with things.  I felt so lost.  I asked to be able to write her poem and do something for her at the funeral but in the end I was told that wasn't what I should do so I went home totally empty and void inside.  A few days later I was told I could write her poem and then I had something I could DO. 

While others were rejoicing (so to say) that Mom had finally been able to leave her body and be with Dad and Granma I felt empty because I never could say I knew she was OK.  She wasn't ok when I was with her.
On Wednesday, my friend Rita came over with a beautiful bouquet of red roses and pink carnations. 

It was so good to have someone to talk to about Mom.  Rita has been a wonderful friend and we've shared just about everything.  I had told her earlier in the summer how we didn't have any apricots on our tree.  The spring freeze or the wind had taken all the blossoms and the tree was completely bare.  I had searched the tree several times but there was just nothing there.

We were outside looking at the flower bed and the roses when I turned around and there on the ground under the apricot tree was an apricot. Just one, perfectly shaped apricot.  I felt a warmth inside and I KNEW, I just knew that Mom had placed it there for me.  I can't explain it but I KNEW she had given me an apricot to tell me she was ok.  In my spirit I heard her tell me that she really was with Dad and that they were happy and would be there to take care of us children.  She wanted me to know she was ok.  It all came so fast and I had an apricot to prove it.  I told Rita, "You just witnessed a miracle."  She knew it, too.  I told her I was going to save that apricot forever and she said, "No, you're not.  You're going to enjoy every bite of it.  And that's just what I did.  I took it inside and placed in on one of the green dishes that had been in mom's china cabinet and I took a picture of it.

Then I split it in half and gave the other half to Dan so we could both eat it.  I don't remember apricots tasting so sweet before.  Now I know that Mom is ok and that she and Dad will always be there for us.

I have to include a side story about that night that Kelly told me.  After he had left Legacy and gone home to go to bed, he took some medications to help him sleep since it was so late and he was so tired.  However, later he woke up and went downstairs to the kitchen.  He got some yogurt to eat and looked at the clock. It was 1:06. 

Dan also told me that he knew Mom had passed that night because the wind chimes outside his bedroom window that Dad had made us were ringing.  There was no wind that night but the chimes were ringing anyway.  I guess there really was a celebration going on.

Here is a copy of the poem I wrote for Mom.  It came mostly from an experience that Kelly had had with Mom earlier that week.  He had been trying to help her up from bed so she could eat but she didn't want to stand up.  Finally, he let her back down and she held out her hand for him to hold.  He told me that later he thought perhaps she knew her time was short and eating wasn't important but holding her hand was. 

"Please Hold My Hand"

"Please hold my hand, dear child of mine."

My mother said one day.

"I'll keep you close and safe from harm.

I'll help you find the way."

So I took her hand and we walked along

Life's wonderous, winding path.

There were times we smiled and times we cried

And even times we'd laugh.

I held her hand and I watched her live

A life of good intent,

Of patience, love and sweetness true

In the fulness that life had meant.

Then all too soon, her grasp was weak

And I felt her slipping away.

But she held out her hand for me to hold,

As clear as if to say,

"Please hold my hand, dear child of mine.

I'll never be far away."

"Please, hold my hand, just one more time

And we'll both wait for that day."

"When we will be together again

And together again we'll stay.

"Please hold my hand, just one more time

And we'll both wait for that day."

I'll always be grateful that I was able to hold her hand just one more time.